This guide contains essential information about The Zoo. We recommend that you keep it handy during your visit.
MAPS AND DIRECTIONS
If you have opted for the Headset Tour (recommended), please follow the arrows on your map to ensure that you receive the correct commentary about the human stereotypes on display.
This unescorted tour will end at the South Gate where you will find the Activity Centre and Gift Shop.
THE AMPHITHEATRE (obligatory)
Once seated in one of our comfortable, upholstered chairs, you will watch a hologram of Our World Leader (OWL) outlining the Zoo’s mission: To educate Progressed Humans about the Original Humans in order that Progressed Humans better appreciate the organisation of our New Improved World. (The extinction of the rare human stereotypes is prevented through our membership of the Global Network of Zoos).
After the preparatory talk, visitors are ready to enter the exhibits, beginning with:
RICH MAN, POOR MAN PAVILION
Thanks to a generous donation from OWL, this year we were finally able to open the doors to this exciting exhibit, complete with stucco-fronted building and classic, iron railings. Inside, Rich Man can be seen sipping a cup of tea in his dimly lit living room. Outside, sitting on a sleeping bag, Poor Man uses his teacup to collect change from passers-by. (If you wish, you may drop a coin into his cup. Please use the green tokens provided in your Visitor’s Pack).
The Zoo management recommend that you visit Rich Man, Poor Man Pavilion during feeding time. The difference in diet provides an interesting insight into the two stereotypes. (We ask visitors to resist feeding Poor Man. His digestive system is not accustomed to the vegetable-rich diet we Progressed Humans enjoy).
Service Information: Toilet facilities can be found to the left of Poor Man, next to the cardboard box by the dog.
FAITH LAKE AND RELIGION ISLANDS
The Zoo is proud of its extensive range of stereotypes from all The Past’s major religions, as well as rarer species such as Scientologists. Most of our religious groups are confined to designated islands, except for the Jehovah’s Witnesses, who are allowed to walk freely around The Zoo, handing out colourful leaflets.
For their own safety, all other religious stereotypes are isolated on allocated islands. The Zoo’s comfortable riverboats will bring you as near to the shores as possible without causing unnecessary distress to The Original Humans.
Related exhibits: Code Kingdom, Celebrity Beach
This is a complete replica of a television studio with around-the-clock broadcasting facilities. In here you will find Original Humans engaged in arguments about crime, immigration, the distribution of goods and other issues that preoccupied humans in The Past.
Notes to teachers:
While camouflage is this stereotype’s natural defence, it occasionally fails to protect them. When this occurs, they may engage in loud hissing as The Predator (often seen holding onto an earpiece) moves in for the kill. This can be a frightening spectacle and many Original Humans would become distressed and unhappy while watching it unfold on their electronic devices. As a result, we recommend that visits to this exhibit last a maximum of fifteen minutes.
Although cleaning staff maintain a constant presence on the premises, we cannot guarantee the complete absence of foul smells in Reptile House.
THE SCHOOLS’ EDUCATION CENTRE (obligatory)
In this modern teaching space, our younger visitors will listen as an enthusiastic member of staff explains The Zoo’s mission and background, the core of which is that The Original Humans almost destroyed Our Planet because they failed to accept each other’s differences. This is why the Samnesfication Programme devised by the UG (United Governments) banned diversity in all its forms, eventually eliminating religions, races, skin colours, genders (and therewith also all sexual orientations), while enshrining in law the requirement that all regions strive towards maintaining a Gini coefficient of zero.
Our World is safe. We have no wars, arguments or differences. Our World Leader (OWL) represents everyone because we are all the same. We identify as one.
THERE IS NO NEED TO LEAD WHEN EVERYBODY IS ALREADY FOLLOWING!
In spite of our remarkable achievements, the UG understands that an inquisitive Progressed Human may occasionally experience an irrational longing for the three Ds of The Past: Diversity, Difference & Democracy. Even Young Humans, who have never experienced The Past, occasionally suffer from such curiosity, a condition known as Phantom Nostalgia. The Global Network of Zoos was created to remind Humans why we abandoned the three Ds.
(This talk, in its entirety, is available on your interactive map. Just press the loudspeaker icon by the Schools’ Education Centre).
HAPPY FAMILIES COMPOUND
As well as genuinely happy families sitting at home with their screens (the devices Original Humans used for individual entertainment), this large and airy space includes a divorce court, a children’s nursery (storage space for young humans), a retirement home (storage space for old humans) and separate refuges for women and men (the two most common genders in The Past). This is also where you will find the Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation centre with real addicts who can be seen engaged in group therapy sessions.
The Happy family compound will be closed during the month of April when we will be separating some of the young humans from their biological parents. This procedure is an essential part of our global conservation programme to ensure the continuation of all human stereotypes. There is broad consensus amongst the UGLBOWL (United Governments Lead By Our World Leader) that the Original Humans have a far better chance of survival as a result of this programme than would have been the case had they been living freely in The Past.
In this exhibit you will find The Gays. These were Original Humans who paired with their own gender. You’ll be able to watch them in their natural habitat, reading, chatting, resting and going to work as they did in The Past.
Twice a day (weather permitting), keepers will turn on the disco music and visitors will enjoy watching Gay stereotypes come out to dance on their party lorry as it moves through the park at a slow speed. This was an annual spectacle in The Past when the parade was sponsored by commercial organisations (now defunct) keen to create the impression that they appreciated that The Gays were No Different From Other Humans And Often Mated For Life (NDFOHAOMFL).
CODE KINGDOM (LEADING TO BANKERS’ BAY)
This is your chance to watch real tech guys (and a few girls) as they sit in front of their computers, looking serious and drinking fizzy drinks with a high sugar content. Code Kingdom is particularly fascinating during mating season when a dominant male puts on a clean t-shirt and starts banging his chest with both fists before running over to the darkened assembly hall to talk at the other tech guys. Our younger visitors will enjoy seeing ‘techies’ assume a trance-like condition, nodding and listening starry-eyed whilst filming the alpha-male with their pet telephones.
If you keep your eyes peeled, there’s also a good chance of spotting a financier from nearby Bankers’ Bay, an open enclosure from which this calculator-carrying species often strays into Code Kingdom upon hearing the characteristic mating call. (The latter is audible over a five thousand-mile radius).
Neither of these species are likely to beg for food, but they may attempt to ask for the green tokens that they know you carry in your Visitor’s Pack.
Related exhibits: Religion Islands, Celebrity Beach
CELEBRITY BEACH (LEADING TO ACTIVIST PARADISE)
This brand new exhibit opened last year and is one of The Zoo’s biggest crowd-pleasers.
Visit on top of the hour, when the Famous Humans descend from their mountain to pose on the beach while they chat about their diets and favourite charities (now defunct). Many of the women will appear in bikinis (now also defunct). Please resist temptation to offer them nourishment but feel free to take as many photographs as you like. This species enjoys having its picture taken and will reward you with wide smiles.
Afterwards, why not head downstairs to Activist Paradise? Here, our young visitors can have their faces painted by representatives from the Peaceful-Means-Only Activists, while adults listen to talks by campaigners and lobbyists (now defunct).
A highlight is the Climate Change Aviary, a luxury Boing 747 airliner complete with staff, comfortable chairs, beautiful decor and delicious buffets. This is an exact replica of the airline that flew senior climate change warriors around the globe so that they could enlighten others – particularly those in the so-called developing world – about the dangers that their primitive lifestyles posed to the environment.
For those prepared to brave the Hard-Core Activist and Protest safari (and you won’t regret it), please be advised that this section of the park is drive-through only.
In the event of engine failure DO NOT leave your vehicle but notify management via your interactive map.
You have now reached the end of the Headset Tour, but why let the fun stop here? We have a range of educational activities for those keen to engage more actively with The Past.
CLIMB THE WALL
See how high you can climb before you fall into the lake (you will find an inflatable safety vest in your Visitor’s Pack). Many Original Humans of the stereotype known as Refugees had to climb even taller walls to move between different sections of Our Planet. It was only after the UG (United Governments) was established, that the concept of escaping was naturally eliminated. We are now one world. There is nowhere for anybody to go.
TAKE PART IN A JOLLY BOOK-BURNING SESSION
Considered one of the greatest threats to humanity, books were successfully banned as soon as the United Governments (UG) took office. Eliminating existing toxic material, however, remains an enormous endeavour. Book burning is, after all, a time-consuming task. The Zoo is therefore pleased to have teamed up with Rehabilitated Book Collectors from across our region to offer Progressed Humans the chance to experience the thrill of eliminating the thoughts and feeling of others by throwing books into the flames in a dramatic and awe-inspiring setting.
THE FASHION SHOW AND TEXTILE WORKSHOP
Four times each year, Original Humans would gather in different time zones to talk about ‘fashion’, clothing all humans would aspire to wear. A selected few would walk in uncomfortable footwear on a raised platform showing off small colourful garments and purses while other humans filmed the display with their handheld devices. Together with the Celebrities, these humans were some of the most admired on Our Planet and were frequently consulted by the press (now defunct) so that they could share their views on important political issues of the day (now also defunct).
The Zoo is proud to present a complete re-enactment of such a gathering for garment display, every afternoon at Peacock Lawn (opposite Celebrity Beach).
After the show you will be able to try on some of the garments (keep in mind that Original Humans dressed differently in accordance with their wealth, gender and origin). You will soon come to empathise with the Original Humans who were obliged to spend excessive amounts of time choosing their daily wear. This was a process complicated by the fact that not only did OHs have different hair and skin colour, but they also varied in size because their genes had been allowed to roam freely via the natural conception and birthing processes, practices we now find unethical precisely because they create Difference and Diversity.
After taking part in the Textile Workshop, it is normal for Progressed Humans to experience a rush of appreciation for the simple white anorak and leggings, adjusted for local climate and conditions, which we Progressed Humans wear and might have come to take for granted.
No visit to The Zoo is complete without a souvenir. Whatever your favourite Original Human, there’s plenty of choice.
Take a break in one of The Zoo canteens. We serve hot and cold nutritional tablets.
TOILETS AND NAPPY CHANGING FACILITIES
In addition to the facilities next to Poor Man’s blanket, you will find toilets nestled between the SOCIAL MEDIA CESSPIT and LIARS’ COVE (both currently closed for expansion works).
FAST TRACK ENTRANCE
We are all equal. There is no Fast Track Entrance. (One exception is for Our World Leader (OWL), the members of UG (United Governments) and those in their care/network/circle of friends).
Thank you for visiting The Zoo today. We hope you have had an informative experience.
The Zoo Management
THERE IS NO NEED TO LEAD, WHEN EVERYBODY IS ALREADY FOLLOWING!
Mette Jolly is co-editor of funnypearls.com