- 1 husband’s car (BMW)
- 1 thong panty, found wedged in the BMW’s seat cushion
- 1 cell phone containing texts from ‘Luv Bunnie’
- 1 tub of supermarket ranch dip, transferred to a fancy dish so it seems homemade (your mother-in-law’s judgmental wedding gift is a good choice for this recipe)
- 2 sheets of industrial-strength bubble wrap, secured tightly around the dish
- 1 crème brûlée torch
- 1 Cozener Inn coupon for ‘Free Night After a Week’s Stay!’
- Drive the BMW to your best friend Diane’s house for neighborhood book club. Arrive at least 15 minutes late, so all your friends (gossips) will be there.
- Take careful aim at Diane’s candy-apple red convertible. (It will be easy to hit since she always parks the tarty thing right up front, forcing you to tiptoe around it and through her just-watered lawn, getting your shoes all spongy.)
- Rev the engine and drop it into gear—don’t worry about trashing the transmission because his fucking BMW isn’t going to make it through the night, anyway. Gather your ache and grief and fury and press it hard into the gas pedal.
- If the tart-mobile isn’t sufficiently censured, back up and ram it again.
- Wave the airbag dust out of your face, take remaining recipe items, and charge into Diane’s living room because you have every right to track your betrayal-damp sneakers across the traitrix’s carpet.
- Place the cell phone, with its sophomoric sexts, into the fabric of the thong and twirl it like a scarlet-lettered slingshot. Aim for her perky face, but any superficial surface will do.
- Make one dramatic declaration. Diane probably won’t hear you, especially if you nail her with the phone, but the other ladies will eat it up, so make it good. After all, they’ll be repeating your statement around the neighborhood for weeks to come.
- Take the dip out of the bubble wrap and dump it on Diane. Don’t fret if the bowl breaks; in fact, this will provide the most satisfaction you’ve ever received from your mother-in-law’s ‘bowl of judgement’.
- Go home. Collect all your cheating husband’s deceiving pants and throw them in the street. Use the crème brûlée torch to caramelize the lying fabric.
- Once the trouser smoke clears, un-hogtie him and give him the hotel coupon. If he begs convincingly, call him a cab. You can afford to be generous at this point.
NOTE: Do not make snide comments about the size of the garment—it is important to maintain your grace at this time.
OPTIONAL: Pause to savor this recipe’s complex terroir.
Pairs well with: self-respect and an acidic divorce attorney.
Myna Chang writes flash and short stories. Her work has been featured in Atlas and Alice, Reflex Fiction, Writers Resist, and Daily Science Fiction. Stories previously featured in Funny Pearls include ‘First Impressions‘ and ‘It’s Not Christmas Without Butter.’ Read more at MynaChang.com or @MynaChang.