Sponsored by Terri Fay Cosmetics
– Million Dollar Looks for Paycheck-to-Paycheck Ladies
Step 1: remove your makeup. Wipe off the remainders of the mask you put up so carefully this morning: the black around the eyes that shows everyone the dark pit of despair they’ll be sucked into if they talk to you before you’ve had coffee; the orange brushstrokes on your porcelain cheeks; a violent purple on your lips, now faded, forever stamped on the five paper cups of espresso and the Diet Coke bottle you left on your trail.
Make sure you use an oil-free product, like Terri Fay’s Today Can Kindly Fuck Off Removal Cream. It’s just like the premium ones Caitlynn, the newbie, swears by: she says she’ll never go back to drugstore pre-packed wipes but, no shit, she lives with her parents and hasn’t paid one bill in her life.
Step 2: cleanse. Don’t be tempted to skip this and head straight to bed: washing away the dregs of the 9-to-5 grind will do wonders for your stunning #femaleboss face.
Set yourself the intention to be gentle, like the voice of the account director, Kev, slithering to your desk to stitch you up with another red flag client and assuring you he’s “just here to help”. Picture the perfect fade in his hair, the designer clothes he buys with the money you should get for putting up with his crap, a stream of spit dripping down his snake face. Then smile at the mirror and rehearse your line: ‘appreciate it – I’m sure I’ll be okay.’
Step 3: tone. Enjoy a breath of fresh air on your face until all you feel is cold, stiff with dread that nothing will ever change. If all tomorrow has in store for you is a new shift and a new low, why not switch careers and become a Terri Fay Introducer? That’s right, a £50 starter kit is all it takes to pave your way to financial freedom!
You might want to avoid sharing your new skincare routine with Caitlynn, by the way. Just yesterday at lunch she said toners are useless, looking at you as if she knew you’d just forked out twenty pounds for this stuff: ‘I mean, I’m no expert, but since I started the dairy-free diet I’ve barely had a zit on my face.’ She’s such a Negative Nancy. Let the smell of your cheese sandwich haunt her in her nightmares.
Step 4: exfoliate. Terri Fay’s Miracle Clog Remover won’t help you get rid of the feeling you’re dead inside, but, while you’re at it, you might as well scrub the dead skin cells off your face. Leave it to rest for fifteen minutes, then rinse with warm water. If you’re a multitasker, you can use the time to Skype your mum (without the video), do last night’s dishes, or compose resignation letters in your head.
Step 5: moisturise. Boy, have I got a treat for you here – the TF Magnificent Magic Gloop is just life-changing. A drop the size of a quarter, and your pub chat is sorted for the rest of the month: ‘What, you’re thirty-eight? Shut the front door, you don’t look a day over twenty!’
Federica Silvi grew up all over the place, but mostly in Italy; she now lives in London, where she works a full-time job and tries to plot an office-based novel in her spare moments. She has published work on Memoir Mixtapes, Dear Damsels, Severine, Visual Verse, and more. Find her on Twitter as @edgwareviabank.