How To Like Your Baby during the First Three Months by Sage Tyrtle

1. Don’t be fooled by the Pampers ads. Babies are not giggling warm buckets of sweetness. They are boring. Accept that they are boring. When people ask about the baby, say, “IT IS A BORING BABY.” You will feel better.

2. Don’t hang out with Riverdale Avenue moms. You know the Riverdale Avenue moms. They have $17,000 strollers and never shut up about exactly what they are not eating. They are drunk. They are drunk and even more boring than your baby.

3. Don’t try to get the not-tired baby to sleep. The baby is boring enough. Sleeping is even more boring than the baby’s usual state, which is quiet watchfulness. Yes, it’s nice that the baby can watch a tree whip around in the wind for thirty minutes, but so can the cat.

4. Don’t stream that Mozart For Babies album. Are you awake at 3 AM because the baby wanted to poop and was lonely? Great. You get to watch anything you want. You get to read that book about societal norms in 1950s America aloud. You get to watch The Price is Right reruns from the 1970s. The baby just wants you to say, “Who’s a good baby?” every once in a while.

5. Don’t worry that the baby likes your partner better. You like your partner better than the baby, because your partner makes you laugh and knows how to make Chicken Vindaloo from scratch.

6. Don’t shake your head when your mom promises you that the older the baby gets, the more you will like it. She’s right. By the time the baby is seven years old, you will be asking the baby to hang out with you. And the baby will be like, “But I have to go watch the tree with the cat,” and you’ll be like “OH NOOOO” and the baby will laugh and laugh. Then you’ll spend the day together making a Lego tower taller than both of you.

Sage Tyrtle is a storyteller whose stories have been featured on NPR,
CBC, and PBS. She is a Moth GrandSLAM winner. Her 22 year old baby is
smart and kind and super interesting. Twitter: @sagetyrtle