Myna Chang: It’s not Christmas without Butter

Farm2City Mobile

December 23

03:27 a.m.
Hey Tina, sorry to do this by text but seriously, Sis, you get defensive over the least little thing, so here goes: I’d prefer it if you didn’t bring your family for Christmas dinner. Not that I think your daughter is a sociopath, but Aunt Edna-Jean does, and she’s not letting it drop this time – she’s convinced that little Sophie is the one who spiked her caramel candies with the cat’s laxative and won’t stop bitching about it.

03:29 a.m.
But that’s not the main problem. The real issue is Stievien (Uncle Ralph still wants to know what kind of name Stievien is). Stievien’s digestive abilities are – well, let’s be honest: he’s flatulent. The cousins still haven’t recovered from LactoBowl 2016. It was so bad they gave it a football name! I guess that’s why you turned atheist and vegan? I hope all that denial helps his belly. But I don’t know how to cook a Vegan turkey.

03:42 a.m.
BTW Jimbo says there is no way your little electric car can make it up the road to the farm. He hasn’t graded it since that last rain, the ruts are awful & he will NOT tow you out of the ditch if you get stuck again this year. Actually he’s not doing much at all these days.

03:45 a.m.
I’d tell you this in person if you hadn’t moved away to the city, but you’re coddling those kids too much. Not just with little Sophie laxitizing people, but also encouraging Stievien Junior’s “allergies”. I mean, sure, there might be something to that peanut thing, and I admit Charlie Dog was a little mangy when you were last here, but I know for a fact that nobody on the planet is Allergic to Chanel #5 — I LOOKED IT UP — I just want to wear my Signature Fragrance at my own house on Christmas DOES THat make me a MONSTER? I don’t think so!!1! Oh! See! This iS

your Fault
YOu made me mad ag

03:46 a.m.
Which is why I wanted to tell you by text instead of in person. It’s not fair you get to be a Mom and I’ve got Edna-Jean in the basement! She won’t leave and I need help but your stupid weirdname husband can’t even process butter!

03:51 a.m.
Tina, U there?

03:53 a.m.
You’ve got the wrong number

03:53 a.m.
WHAT? You’re not my sister?? Why didn’t you say? Shame on you – eavesdropping on a private conversation. I AM GOING TO REPORT YOU

03:54 a.m.
LOL OK but you texted ME in the middle of the night. And now I’m awake.
Thanks for that.

03:55 a.m.
And you need mental help. So I’m going to give you my advice.

03:55 a.m.
I don’t want your STUPID ADVICE! I don’t know you.!!

03:56 a.m.
First, get the tractor and grade that damn road yourself. You don’t need your
lazy husband to do it.

03:57 a.m.
Then go to your sister’s house for the holidays. Don’t tell Jimbo
or Edna-Jean where you’re going. Just leave.
You obviously need a break.

04:03 a.m.
I don’t know
Tina might not have me.

04:04 a.m.
She will. Trust me.

04:04 a.m.
TINA IS THAT YOU? OMG I knew I didn’t text the wronGNumber!!

04:05 a.m.
You deserved that. Admit it.

04:12 a.m.

04:14 a.m.
I’ll have the guest room ready.

04:21 a.m.
What if Edna-Jean finds out?

04:24 a.m.
Little Sophie can make her some more caramel candies.

04:25 a.m.
I knew she was a sociopath.

04:29 a.m.
Merry Christmas, Sis.

Myna Chang spent too many years writing about turbine lubricants, energy derivatives, and shareholder value. She escaped that nightmare, and now focuses on dinosaurs, spaceships, and kung fu. Her flash and short stories have appeared in Daily Science Fiction, Writers Resist, Dead Housekeeping, Defenestration, and others. Read more at or find her on Twitter @MynaChang.