They Serve Fruit for Dessert in Hell – The Top Five All-Time Worst Desserts
1. Lemon-y Shit. The savoury dishes are cleared away; the time for dessert draws nigh. And then the server plonks down lemon sorbet with berries. I look around uneasily. Do not be afraid. This is merely a palate cleanser before the actual dessert is served, I tell myself to stave off the looming panic attack. In vain.
2. Fruit. I have a recurring dream in which I murder a person who has served fruit for dessert. ‘Die slow, bitch!’ I scream, over and over, as I beat her to death with a pineapple. It takes a long time.
3. Jell-O. Another terrible dessert. This dish is served to the improbably old and the hospitalised for a reason: there’s an excellent chance you’re going to die soon, and humanity cannot be wasting real food on you any longer.
4. The Shared Dessert. Dessert is never meant to be shared. Indeed it cannot be, for dessert is a zero-sum game. The sort of people who think it’s romantic to share a dessert with their beloved also believe in simultaneous orgasms. These people are fucking idiots.
5. Cheese. Obviously cheese is the bomb. NO ONE is disputing that. I love me a classy cheese course at a fancy-pants resto, provided actual dessert is served immediately afterwards. Hear me out: the thing I love most in this world, alongside my spouse and my dog, is pasta. But is pasta dessert? Of course not. Words have meaning. Calling cheese ‘dessert’ is the same as calling a Christmas tree or an automobile ‘dessert’. It’s nonsensical. If you disagree, then it’s time to cart you off to the looney bin and cut you off from all desserts save Jell-O. A cheese course should be thought of as a delightful palate cleanser served prior to the dessert course. Like a lemon sorbet, but better, because lemon sorbet is just a partially frozen cleaning solution after all.
Sara Corris resides in Brooklyn with a dog from London, a spouse from Buffalo, and desserts from around the globe. Her work has appeared online at Bending Genres, Horror Sleaze Trash, WryTimes, Funny-ish, Misery Tourism, and Fiction on the Web.