Expecting to find love online is like hoping to find a three-course meal in a bin, thought Sadie. She had written her profile carefully with just the right mix of honesty and humour. Her photographs showed the real her, all sixty years present and correct, no filters, no hiding. But in three weeks there had been just two dull messages and a dick pic which she was sure must have been meant for someone else. It was hard not to feel deflated. Knowing her own worth, she deleted her profile. Online dating was not for her. She thought about what she wanted, what made her happy. Food and flirting were the front runners. Sex was up there too, but one thing at a time.
So Sadie attended a supper club for singles. When she arrived at the smart Edwardian house, she was greeted by the hostess, an effusive woman with a shiny black bob and blood red lips and nails who handed out name badges and clapped her hands to get everyone’s attention.
‘Remember, the gentlemen will change places between courses,’ she trilled, wafting into the dining room on a cloud of Miss Dior.
Sadie’s companion for the Amuse Bouche was Richard who introduced himself as a retired head teacher and dog lover. His thinning hair swept across his head in a manner Sadie had not seen since her father was alive. Over blinis and caviar he described the characteristics of pedigree Dobermans.
‘Genetically predisposed towards cardiac disease would you believe?’
Sadie tried to look sympathetic to the plight of medically challenged canines while hoping she didn’t have caviar in her teeth.
Richard became emotional. ‘There’s nothing like the love between a man and his dog,’ he said.
At that point, a morsel of food lodged in Richard’s windpipe. There followed a lot of chest-thumping and wheezing. Luckily the blockage was dislodged before Sadie needed to begin abdominal thrusts. When he got up to move places, he pumped her hand up and down and said it had been nice getting to know her and he was always to be found on the common at seven each morning if she fancied joining him.
Review: Slightly stodgy but not unpalatable.
The first course arrived and with it, Bill. His handshake was limp and Sadie willed herself not to think about other parts of his anatomy which might suffer the same affliction. He asked her name and whether she enjoyed cooking. Sadie could not take her eyes off his mouth. He had very white teeth but his lips were what could only be described as frayed around the edges. He complimented her on her outfit, gazing a little too long at her chest. Sadie folded her arms. The French onion soup was rather thin. After Bill slurped his way through it, he licked his spoon and told her that French cuisine had been his late wife’s speciality.
‘I miss her cooking,’ he said. ‘And I miss her.’
He’d had his teeth whitened as his daughter had told him it made him look younger and more attractive. As he left, he offered to give her the number of his cosmetic dentist. Sadie thanked him and said she hoped he would enjoy the rest of his dinner.
Review: A little underwhelming but enthusiastically presented.
The main course was baked turbot. Her new companion introduced himself as Roger. Handsome and bearded, his vintage tweed jacket smelled of pipe smoke. He had something of the rake about him and wanted to know how on earth their paths had not previously crossed. He was flirtatious and funny in a ‘Carry On’ sort of way while looking over her shoulder at a woman further down the table. He sat with his legs spread wide and ate with gusto, forking up new potatoes and cramming them into his mouth.
’I am a man with healthy appetites,’ he announced, refilling their glasses to the brim.
He belched behind his hand, leaned in closer and relayed a wicked observation about a conversation he had overheard. When he got up to move places he winked at Sadie, gave her his card and kissed her hand.
Review: Highly seasoned, over spiced, best enjoyed in small quantities.
An elaborate dessert was served. Sadie was feeling tipsy and mellow and a bit like an extra in a bizarre film. People were beginning to pair up and the rigid formality of earlier had disappeared. A florid faced man proposed a toast to the hostess. Sadie got to her feet with the others and raised her glass.
‘Hear, hear,’ she said more loudly than she intended.
A rumpled looking man further down the table caught her eye and grinned. Sadie picked up the spun sugar basket enclosing the heart shaped panna cotta and peered through it like a telescope. He laughed and came over, carrying his plate.
‘I can see you’re trouble,’ he said. ‘I’m Matt and I’d love to see what you’re going to do next.’
He told her he’d been waiting all evening to speak to her. Conversation was easy. They shared their online dating experiences, each story more awful than the last.
‘Nightmare,’ he agreed. ’You have to meet in real life – you get a feeling about people, don’t you?’
You certainly do, thought Sadie as she popped the last raspberry into her mouth. Dessert had definitely been the best course of all.
Review: Lively, refreshing and very satisfying. Left me wanting more.
Lesley is a huge fan of good food, vintage chic and old fashioned glamour. Her stories are full of people who aren’t afraid to be a bit different and take the odd risk or two. She has been writing for a long time and thinks that stories, like great meals, should be shared.
Story illustration made with human intelligence and artificial creativity.