Happy Hoo-Ha Holidays by A.V. Arsic

Today I joined the Sexy Sassy Sisterhood Club for purchasing an estriol cream to keep that menopausal vagina healthy. No pain no gain. This is what happens after I open a bottle of wine and scroll through social media: everything has meaning and is placed there just for me.

Next down the list, thinning hair and hair loss. How did they know? Mine is getting thin in some areas, but I would not call it alopecia and I don’t think they should either. The options yield voluminous and stunning results. Oils, miracle shampoos, and supplements. I am leaning toward the Viviscal. Top off my glass of Chianti, and Rogaine foam it is!

Do they really know what foods I might be allergic to? Apparently, they can tell if I send in a few dollars and locks of my thinning hair. Is it ok if it’s coated with the Rogaine, or will that alter the results?

They are on to me. They have discovered I am a worldly connoisseur of wines and want ME for their exclusive discount wine club – shipping included! Only the best for the intoxicated scroller.

Now I’m hungry and want everything and they know it, so Goldbelly pops up in my timeline. Goldbelly is a company that delivers exquisite meals and baked goods from anywhere in the United States at exorbitant prices. An ‘empowering edible hug’ they tout. Their slogan should be ‘we get the gold, you get the belly’.

Ah, I still have seven days to sign up for my 2022 Health Care Plan. And it would give me ‘more peace of mind in time for the holiday’ if I purchased The Thyroid Test. Do I take that test before or after toasting to a happy thyroid? They aren’t going to get me there – my new health care plan pays for that.

After watching several hours of videos, I’ve yet to select the best bone-loss supplement for osteoporosis. I’ve learned to read the comments and skip ahead to find out what the product is and whether it’s better than the Prolia which I happened to notice advertised on television when I glanced up from my phone and saw a lady tripping over a dog toy and falling down the stairs, the fall paused mid-air – ‘so this doesn’t happen to you?’

I think my bones are strong enough, so I’m going to order a chainsaw and save hundreds of dollars clearing tree branches myself although, according to the comments on the website, the directions for putting it together are lousy. ‘The pictures are not worth the proverbial thousand words’. I need words. In the meantime, I’ll drape the chain around my bodice, hopefully making me look badass and sassily sexy, along with the stilettos I just could not pass up because they were from the orthopedic line and would work with my Morton’s Neuroma. I will feel it down in my hoo-ha.

Oh, what a pretty handbag. But it wouldn’t match the ‘most versatile trousers for women ever made’. Too bad. Scroll on.

The first algae-based cholesterol pill. That would go nicely with my seaweed wrap. It’s being sold next to an ad for a seaside resort vacation, complete with daily massage. Ah, the hoo-ha. I also check out the holiday incense that ‘is changing peoples’ lives’.

My pelvic floor (home of the hoo-ha) is ‘being ignored’ and only these exercises will restore it. They look like regular squats to me. And I get a two-year discount to the American Association of Retired People. Do they expect me to last only two more years?

I suspect everything I need is already right here at home, but a shelter-dog would be nice.

In the meantime, that Lobster Mac’n Cheese from Maine two thousand miles away was divine.

And finally: ‘you need Credit Karma’. I suspect you reap what you owe.

A.V. Arsic is an award-winning magazine publisher and editor. She received a short story Honorable Mention and was Longlisted for Glimmer Train. A.V. Arsic has been published in Virtual Zine and Reflex Fiction and is an alumna of Curtis Brown Creative.