A store greeter halts you at the entrance as you walk into a multi-department renovation supplies store and asks, ‘What are you here to shop for?’
Not being able to go a step further without answering, you say, ‘PVC pipe.’
‘Have you shopped for PVC pipe before?’
‘No.’
The greeter pulls out a stapled stack of paper. ‘Please fill out these forms, and we’ll be all set to help you shop for PVC pipe.’
In the family history section, you’re stumped. Did PVC pipe exist when my great uncle was alive? I don’t think my maternal grandmother knows what PVC pipe is. After completing all thirteen pages of questions, you return the clipboard to the store greeter, who doesn’t even look at the answers.
‘Please wait over there,’ he says. ‘We’ll call you when your aisle is ready to shop.’
So, you join the 12 to 15 anxious shoppers standing in a corral beside the automatic doors. After 57 minutes, the greeter calls you. You’re ushered to the PVC Pipe Department and told, ‘This is your aisle. Take off your clothes and put on this paper-towel store apron. Your Professional Salesperson will be with you in a minute.’
Confused but obedient, you say, ‘Thank you,’ and you’re immediately sorry for saying it because there is nothing to be thankful for. So far, it’s been an impersonal inconvenience of the highest level. Now, dressed in paper goods, you stand and wait, wondering if the temperature outside has dropped. Twenty minutes later, a person wearing a store smock arrives. You ask, ‘Are you the PVC Pipe Sales Professional?’
‘No, she’s not in. I’m a PVC Pipe Sales Practitioner. I’ll be assisting you. What brings you here today?’
‘PVC pipe, that’s why I’m here. I need PVC pipe.’
The Sales Practitioner says, ‘Hop up on that pallet and tell me what’s going on.’
‘It’s just a small leak,’ you say.
The Practitioner asks, ‘How long has this pipe been leaking?’
‘Just noticed it, a week, maybe. Can I get a one-and-a-half inch wide pipe, about six feet long?’
The Practitioner says, ‘First, we have to do a few tests.’
‘Tests? Why?’
‘To check for other leaks and to see what’s causing the leak. I’m going to order a Pipe Test, a Contamination Test, a Rodent Evidence test, a Water Purification Analysis, a Flow Test, an Output Test, and a Stability Test on all the surrounding pipes.’
Your eyes widen. ‘But the other pipes are fine.’
‘We need to be sure. And we need to know the cause of this leak and whether it’s done damage to any surrounding areas.’
‘I don’t need to know the cause of the leak. And everything else seems fine.’ You tug at your paper apron. ‘I just want to fix it.’
‘That’s what we are going to do,’ the Sales Practitioner promises.
You wonder if your home insurance will cover this. Or maybe your flood insurance. You remember your flood insurance has a $5,500 deductible, and you’re not sure if you want the tests to come to more than that just so you can make the claim, after all the premiums you’ve been paying, and see if you get 20% back, or if the flood insurance will send the balance to your home insurance. You decide to end the suspense and ask, ‘How much are all these tests going to cost?’
‘I don’t know. Nobody knows. You can get dressed now.’ The Sales Practitioner slides your questionnaire into a box and pulls out a small order pad. ‘When you’re dressed, you can go to Aisle 17. I’m writing you up a sales slip for Dry Wall Screws.’
‘But I don’t want Dry Wall Screws.’
‘Use the Drywall Screws until we get the test results back. I’ll order the tests today.’
‘But I don’t want all these tests. I just want the PVC pipe.’
‘And that’s what we are working to get you. Now, as soon as you have these tests done, the results will come to me within twenty-four hours, and I’ll have a better view of what you need and instructions for your next steps. I’ll send them to your store portal, and you can sign in to review them. Do you have a portal account?’
‘No.’
‘You can create one on your phone. Go to our home page. The instructions are there. Don’t forget—your password should contain some combination of every letter from any Latin-based romance language and one .png image from a Bob Ross painting.’
‘Can’t I just call you?’
‘No.’
You wonder what to do next and who might be able to help you set up this portal account.
‘You can also make your next appointment at your earliest convenience,’ the Sales Practitioner says.
Rubbing your arms to alleviate the goosebumps from the chill in the Pipe Department, which the paper apron can’t protect you from, you say, ‘How will I understand the test results? Who do I talk to?’
‘You’ll never talk to anyone. The results will be in your portal. You can get dressed, and I’ll see you back here in two weeks.’
You dress and make your way through the maze of aisles to the exit. You sit in your car for a few minutes without the PVC pipe you came for and review what just happened. You check your phone. There’s a message from the store. You have been billed $375 for the consultation with the store’s Sales Professional. But he wasn’t a Sales Professional. He was a Sales Practitioner. You wonder if the charge should be less because of that.
You get a second notice. Your Dry Wall Screws are ready for pick up, and the total is $56. You get a third message asking you to complete a survey telling them about your experience with the store. ‘Please complete this quick survey. Your feedback is important to us,’ it says.
At home, you begin the process of setting up all the tests. There are no available appointments until 2032, but there was a cancellation for the Rodent Test, so you take that opening and immediately get seven friendly reminders about the appointment, and two each day until the date of the test.
And the PVC pipe in your basement is still leaking.
Maureen Mancini Amaturo, NY-based fashion/beauty writer with a Creative Writing MFA, teaches writing, founded and leads Sound Shore Writers Group, and produces literary and gallery events. Her 100+ publications globally include fiction, essays, CNF, poetry, and comedy. Maureen was nominated for The Bram Stoker Award and TDS Creative Fiction Award. She received Honorable Mention and Certificate of Excellence in poetry from Havik Literary Journal. Her work was shortlisted by Reedsy and Flash Fiction Magazine for their Editor’s Choice Award. Funny Pearls UK named her work a best short story selection. A handwriting analyst diagnosed her with an overdeveloped imagination. She’s working to live up to that.