Some names have been redacted from this transcript out of respect for real people living, deceased, cancelled, or currently under investigation. Please do not forward.
Annual Support Conference for the Surviving Executive Assistants of Celebrities, Stand-up Comedians, and Persons Living with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Welcome! Welcome, everybody! It’s great to have you all here today for the first gathering of the S.E.A.C.S.C.P.L.N.P.D group. For ease, let’s shorten that to SEA+.
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Barbra. I was Executive Assistant, emotional support animal, and occasional alibi for REDACTED for a period of 10 years, up to and including the duration of his civil trial. After he moved to Tibet to join a monastery, I was lucky enough to be brought on as advisor and executive producer of the Netflix limited series, Sorry, I Promise to Do Better, a role which has brought fresh challenges and excitements, and which will be covered in more detail in today’s section on opportunities post-conviction/cancellation. (Please consult the schedule in your yellow binders).
Before we kick off with our first seminar of the morning, Defining Stockholm Syndrome, there are a few housekeeping notes to keep in mind:
Please be sure to hand your NDAs to Annie at reception, if you have not done so already. This is a safe space, and you should feel free to use real names and events if you wish to, always being aware of any outstanding legal issues and constraints. I find that the word ‘allegedly’ is a useful go-to here if you’re not sure. Our legal advisor, Nigel, is on hand should you have any concerns.
Thank you to those of you who let us know in advance about any food allergies and intolerances. Nobody understands better than you guys the importance of appropriate catering, so you can expect to see a selection of paleo, gluten-free, and vegan options available in the dining hall. We will break for lunch at 12.30, after Tim’s fascinating session, What Is The Point of HR?, and we aim to wrap things up at 5.15pm after the group cry and meditation. Annie has reserved a space in the hotel bar for anybody who wishes to remain behind and drink their feelings.
A note on triggering words and behaviours: my team and I are aware that some of us are still dealing with unresolved emotional trauma, so please be mindful of your colleagues’ needs, and feel free to flag any issues where necessary. Out of respect for Jessica from REDACTED, we have removed all staplers from the workspace, and if we could limit the use of ‘diarize’, ‘reach out’ and ‘get me a fucking car’, when communicating, that would be appreciated. Similarly, if you could avoid raising your voice, or making any reference to Soho House, we would be grateful.
And finally, some exciting news: Celebrity Executive Assistant Survivor and Reese’s Book Club bestselling author, Bethany Williams, will be hosting a one-day workshop entitled ‘Changing My Outlook’. She’s offering a discount for all today’s attendees, so be sure to sign up for that before you leave. Copies of her memoir, Diary of Myself, are available from Annie at the front desk.
And now, I ask you all to stand and hold hands as we recite the serenity prayer.
An Executive Assistant turned writer, Emily was born in the UK and raised in Lanzarote, Canary Islands. She graduated from The University of Warwick with a BA in Film and Literature and worked in media for over twenty years. She now lives on an island in the St Lawrence River with her Canadian husband and other assorted wildlife. She is currently working on her second novel.