Dating apps claim to connect people. Mostly, they recycle. Below is a list of the most common specimens. These men continue to circulate despite repeated complaints. They are unsanitary and need to be de-sexed for public health reasons.
1. The “Hey”
Opening call: “Hey.”
That’s it. That’s the move. No follow-up. No punctuation. No ambition.
Once, I replied, “Did you use ChatGPT to come up with that masterpiece?”
He unmatched instantly, proving innovation frightens him.
2. The unmatcher
Identifying trait: Unmatches the moment Instagram or WhatsApp is exchanged.
This is meant to make you feel special. Chosen. Singular. Important enough to warrant immediate evidence removal. A man who cares is not threatened by receipts.
However, I met a man who, after I politely said I felt no spark, announced he would “try harder to win my heart” and proceeded to call and message relentlessly.
In that case, unmatching was self-defence.
3. The silent follower
Habitat: Instagram stories.
Once migrated off the app, this subject ceases all verbal communication while maintaining intense visual surveillance.
He will never speak again. He will know when you’re ugly crying over a memory that didn’t even happen. He will know when you’ve thrown up after one drink for no medical reason. He will know when you post at 3am.
You are not dating. You are taxidermy.
4. The man “figuring out his dating goals”
Profile description: “Going with the flow.”
Curiously, this extended period of self-discovery never interferes with his availability for casual sex. The mystery remains unsolved.
5. The home-based first date advocate
Preferred meeting location: Your house. His house. Ideally horizontal.
This proposal is often delivered casually. Nothing says romance like a stranger insisting you experience a mild sense of danger.
One specimen explained he was “not in a position to spend extra money outside”, citing “debt and payments” as if financial instability were an aphrodisiac.
When asked what he suggested instead, he replied: “I can stay with you tonight and we can have breakfast together. And you can trust me, I won’t do anything to you that you don’t want. You can trust me on this.”
6. The “what did you have in mind?” man
Primary skill: Delegation.
He refuses to suggest a plan and instead asks what you had in mind. I love a passive man. Especially one who wants you to initiate, organise, and gently fuck his personality into existence.
7. The premature sexualiser
Time to escalation: One to three messages.
This subject mistakes basic conversation for foreplay and believes “hi” is a green light.
One man, upon learning I do jiu-jitsu, generously offered to send me nudes so I could assess whether his body was “cut out for it”.
The sport remains unrelated.
8. The consistent man (briefly)
Behaviour pattern: Reliable → Familiar → Gone.
This disappearance occurs without warning, after your nervous system files him under “safe”.
You briefly picture a healthy relationship involving communication, stability, a huge wang, and public displays of commitment you will later deny.
Experts agree the absence is the point.
9. The on-call coordinator
Catchphrase: “Last-minute thing’s come up.”
He requests flexibility while offering none. His schedule is fixed. Yours is theoretical.
He is the man who messages “You around?” at 10:47pm, mistaking his poor planning for spontaneity.
10. The resurrection specialist
Reappearance window: Days to weeks.
He returns as if no interruption occurred. No apology. Sometimes a vague explanation involving being “busy” in a way that required total radio silence. Just a message designed to check whether access has been restored. He expects you to be warm, available, and confused about the passage of time.
Curatorial note
If dating apps are a zoo, these men are not rare species. They are pigeons. Entirely unavoidable. Thriving in conditions no one asked for. Leaving mess wherever they land.
Observe briefly. Do not engage.
Liv Arnold is an Australian romance author who takes her yearning seriously. Also a columnist, she writes about the men who confuse you, bad decisions, and the moments that refuse to let go. The group chat is her preferred coping mechanism. Known for narrating her own downfall, her work blends vulnerability, humour and heat, often a little too honestly.
livarnold.com
instagram.com/liv_au
Story illustration via Unsplash *edited