Dear Sentient Carbon Atom Blobs,
Because we value you as customers, we are excited to announce that Earth’s code of conduct has been updated. Failure to comply will result in disciplinary action, including revocation of your Heaven’s Club Membership and immediate transfer to Hell’s Phone Support Line, now upgraded with jazzy pan flute solos (current wait time: eternity).
Prohibited Activities
As a user of the Earth, you agree not to:
1. Steal;
2. Murder;
3. Call without texting first, like a maniac;
4. Use offensive language, including, but not limited to, the following:
Lint-licker, fart nugget, unripe avocado, lumpy gravy boat, dandruff-sprinkler, sperm-burper, balls-sucker, Bieber, yo mama, butterball, fatty-patty, roly-poly, jelly-belly, tub-of-jelly, and oinker;
5. Harm romantic partners (unless they’re into it);
Special note: You may get away with winging it with nonverbal cues in most of your romantic relationships and/or casual encounters, however, freely given, reversible, informed, and enthusiastic consent is required in instances where you wish to take part with one or more partners in one or more of the following activities: shrimping, teabagging, knife play, golden showers, spanking, primal play, and furry costuming.
6. Disregard your parents:
Exception: any advice that starts with, “I read on Facebook that…”
7. Consume substances that can induce intoxication or a mind-altered state, and expired food. Exception to the best-before date may apply for the following items if the palatability of said items is ensured by a sniff test:
Ketchup, chips, Moon Pies, Ramen noodles accompanied by salty chemicals better known as a seasoning packet, that can of Alphabet Soup that’s been through four house moves.
8. Expect your romantic partners to pay for your stuff;
Exception: If you identify as a woman, you are allowed to deploy the patented “wallet-reach fake-out” maneuver.
9. Neglect self-care, including the holy 3pm Kit Kat Break;
10. Thirst after a hot bod.
Note: All bodies are stunning in their unique way, however, a teeny-tiny pang of jealousy is permitted under the following circumstances:
i) Witnessing someone with a six-pack who has never seen the inside of a gym:
ii) Size 4-and-under folks who cruelly say:
a) “I eat whatever I want and never gain weight.”
b) “My metabolism is just naturally fast.”
c) “Since I started intuitively eating, all I’ve been craving is kale and baby carrots.”
Dispute Resolution
If you have any concerns about these Terms of Use, you agree to resolve disputes informally by contacting Earth’s Creator (they/them). They can be reached via:
• AOL Instant Messenger Angels (response times may vary, but typically range from ten to twelve centuries, depending on celestial backlog and angel union breaks);
• Prayer – Exclusively for our Divine Care subscribers.
* Divine Care subscription promotional offer—only two and a half sacrificial lambs monthly (goats are no longer accepted). Act now before rates ascend heavenward! *
Contact Us
If you have any questions about these Terms of Use, you can contact us by:
• Folding your hands in prayer;
• Visiting your local place of worship;
• Constructing a monument visible from space;
• Dying (excruciating pain may apply).
As a writer and clinical psychologist, Ly Ann divides her time between reassuring real people and emotionally destroying fictional ones. A French Canadian who moved to Ontario a decade ago, she swears she can now say three without sounding like tree. Her comedic work has appeared in The Haven on Medium and Little Old Lady Comedy. Her debut novel, 2090 Untamed, was among the Judges’ Top Picks for the 2025 Claymore Awards. She is currently wrestling with its sequel, 2090 Unwashed. Come say hi on Twitter or Blue Sky. More at 2090series.com.